Facebook, the Austrian, and the Matchmaker
“They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
– Benjamin Franklin (1775)
I am writing to let you know I’ve decided not to join Austrian crusader, Max Schrems, in his law suit against you.
Though I admit, there’s something to be said for a guy who has decided to take on Goliath using Goliath’s tools to sign up and organize recruits, (see Facebook page “Europe v. Facebook”). Frankly, I have neither the time nor energy to show up for Vienna Commercial Court hearings come December. Not that I’d have to testify but you never know.
But don’t get me wrong — your clinginess is not okay. When it’s over, it’s over and there comes a time when you have to cut yourself loose and let things go. All those old photos, stories, exchanges – they’re nothing but clutter, Facebook. Trust me. Free yourself from the burden of earthly attachments and paradise will be yours. Who knows. You might even save yourself a couple hundred thousand dollars in storage space and finally be able to afford that Reddit app you must be eying by now.
And stop blabbing everything about everyone to anyone who shows an interest. Goodness, gracious, if someone shares something with you, that’s an honor. Be honorable with it. This isn’t middle school.
Going after you would be quite a hassle since frankly, I’ve no idea where the two of us got hitched. Did we Erin-go-Bragh it or tie the knot in the US? Feels like at times that it could have been a Vegas number. According to Team Schrems, though, this matters. You would think all people, Austrian or American, would have the same rights to self-determination about what in their past remains public and what doesn’t but I guess that’s just not so. But I still don’t quite get it. Holding onto things…for decades.
But I guess I’ve grown to accept you for what you are. Though I keep hoping that if we stick together, maybe I can change you. You’ll recognize your unsavory ways and try to better yourself. I keep telling myself, as controlling as you are, your heart is in the right place and you’ll never do anything to intentionally harm me. I like to see the good and remain optimistic but I can’t deny a nagging sinking doubt lurks on.
In any case, given your unwillingness to compromise, I think you owe me one. And that’s why I demand you stop trying to hook me up. I don’t know if it is something I said or did but it’s a grave misunderstanding. I definitely don’t need you to find me a man no matter how perfect the match. Every single day of the week you come up with someone new and it’s got to stop already. You got really creepy when you started including hearts and distance info. I expected my doorbell to ring in the next minute and FB Man Max to be on the other end, gasping for air after the 5 km run he undertook to bridge our distance and meet up.
Stop doing this.
If you really want to help me, Facebook, give me some assistance in schlepping home my Billa bags. Or better yet, get one of thosedream-mates to lug them home for me.
I’m not suing you but I can’t say I’m disappointed that there is an Austrian who is.
All my best, KC
Background: Austrian privacy activist, Max Schrems has filed several complaints with European courts against Facebook in cases concerning privacy infringements. One of his cases has been forwarded to the European Court of Justice and another case is being filed this month in the Vienna Commercial Court.
Take the Christian Science Monitor Quiz to see how savvy you are about social networks: http://www.csmonitor.com/Innovation/Tech-Culture/2013/0702/Are-you-savvy-about-social-networks-Take-our-quiz-to-find-out/Zuckerberg-pre-Facebook
PDF with Information about case and contact information to become involved: http://www.europe-v-facebook.org/sk/pa_en.pdf
Facebook – the modern Yenta