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Women according to Men

March 8 – International Woman’s Day

And in the feminine tradition, with a woman giving the last word.

Me and my friend at the Lifeball 2014

Happy Women’s Day, Ladies!

1)      “The great question …which I have not been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: ‘What does a woman want?'”
– Sigmund Freud ((1856 – 1939), Austrian psychoanalyst, Psychiatry in American Life

What do we want? Everything we can’t have. It’s what keeps life interesting.

2)      “God created woman. And boredom did indeed cease from that moment – but many other things ceased as well! Woman was God’s second mistake.”
–          Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844 – 1900) German philosopher , The Antichrist

Or perhaps the second mistake was creating them second? Twain said God created women and felt sorry for men so then he gave them tobacco. Or maybe he meant football.

3)      When asked, ‘In a world without women, what would men become?‘

Esther statue adorning front porch of Ernst Fuchs' Museum / Otto Wagner Villa in Vienna

Austrian Artist, Ernst Fuch’s ideal woman – Esther

“Scarce. Mighty scarce.”
– Mark Twain / Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835 – 1910) American author and humorist.

Smart man, Twain.  Probably also explains why he spent so much time in Vienna — smart, very smart.

4) “Warum ist uns das Weib so nötig wie rätselhaft? Weil es der falsche Schlüssel ist zu einem Tor und es dennoch öffne.” (Why is a dame so necessary and mysterious? Because she is the wrong key to a gate that opens nevertheless.)
– Albert Paris Gütersloh (1887 – 1973), Austrian painter and writer.

I am still wrapping my head around this. Insult or compliment?

5) “Die Frau betäubt den Mann angenehm, so dass er es gar nicht merkt, dass er kein Genie ist.”  (Women have a way of numbing men so comfortably, that they don’t even notice, that they are no geniuses.)
— Peter Altenberg (1859 – 1919), Austrian poet and coffeehouse writer

My lovable old grump, Altenberg, translating the world for the rest of us to understand it better.

6) “Eine Frau verzeiht alles — aber sie erinnert uns oft daran, dass sie uns verziehen hat.” (A woman will forgive everything — but she will often reminds us, that she has forgiven us.)
– Karlheinz Boehm (1928 – ?) Austrian actor and philanthropist.

Makes you wonder what the good old Karlheinz did. I bet he won’t do it again, though.

Tricky couple in Salzburg

This woman is keeping her man up in the air

7) “Wer die Frauen kennen will, muss die Männer studieren.” (Whoever wants to know women must first study men).
— Ferenc Molnar (1878 – 1952) Born in the Austro-Hungarian Empire and fled to the US in WWII to escape the Nazis. He was a dramaist and novelist.

Makes you want to go after good old Ferenc. But true in a way. And I would argue, if you want to know a woman, study her father. Even if we are able to grow beyond these influences, I think you can’t underestimate the extent a good dad or a lousy father can affect a little girl. So guys, be good dads!

8) “Es ist nicht wahr, dass man ohne eine Frau nicht leben kann. Man kann bloss ohne eine Frau nicht gelebt haben.”
(It is not true, that a man cannot live without a woman. A man can simply not have lived without a woman).
– Karl Kraus (1874 – 1936) Austrian writer and journalist, known as a satirist, essayist, aphorist, playwright and poet.

I greatly admire Kraus’ shameless wit and uncompromising humor but when it comes to women, good old Karl is lacking wit, humor and good common sense. The quote above is one of the rare occassions when he was nice to us ladies. At least I think I was being nice. Maybe he wasn’t. You never know with Kraus. Which makes me admire him all the more.

9) “Eine Frau holt gerne den Rat ihres Mannes ein, schon deshalb, um ihn nicht zu befolgen.” (A woman likes to ask the advice of her husband, just so she can disobey it.)
— Arthur Schnitzler (1862-1931), Austrian physician and writer.

Don’t judge Arthur Schnitzler by the film “Eyes Wide Shut.” Schnitzler is one of my favorite Austrian authors and a master at deep POV.  In his day, he was also quite the ladies’ man and is said to have kept a tally of his conquests, but poor Schnitzler lived a tragic life nonetheless. No study of Austria could be complete without reading some of his works. A quick intro to his writing could begin with his short story, Fräulein Else.

10) “Die Frauen bleiben immer dieselben, sie sind immer veränderlich.”  (Women always stay the same, they’re constantly changing)
– Daniel Spitzer (1835- 1893) Austrian writer

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Top 10 Do’s and Don’ts to Rock Me Amadeus

“In Berlin so many people are out walking, that you meet up with no one. In Vienna you meet up with so many people that no one is out walking.” – Karl Kraus (In Berlin gehen so viele Leute, dass man keinen trifft. In Wien trifft man so viele Leute, dass keine geht)

1)      Don’t mix up Australia and Austria

Don’t even joke about it. The joke’s just old. Older than a worn out record. Granted – if you made it the whole way here, you must realize you won’t be finding any koalas hanging out in the chestnut trees along Prater Allee. That being said, if you expect to receive any kind of mailing while here, be sure to advise the sender to write “EUROPE” in big bold letters across the bottom of the envelope. The kangaroo image Australian postal employees stamp onto Austrian mail that has detoured its way Downunder might be adorable evidence of the Aussie sense of humor but is little consolation for the extra month you will have to wait till your mail finally arrives.

 2)      Don’t Call Austrians Germans

Don’t. I’m not kidding. Austrians are touchy about this for many reasons but I think it is also similar to Canadians who are mistaken for US Americans and New Zealanders who are mistaken for Australians. It’s that big neighbor complex. Austrians speak Austrian German and would never be caught dead humming a hymn honoring Kaiser Wilhelm. They seem to feel an affinity towards that Bavarians but I suspect it has something to do with the shared love of Lederhosen.

Salzburg - Mozart's Birthplace

Salzburg – Mozart’s Birthplace

3)      Do Feel Free to Austrianize Beethoven 

Pasqualatihaus - Beethoven Residence in Vienna's 1st District

Pasqualatihaus – Beethoven Residence in Vienna’s 1st District

Beethoven was born in 1770 in Bonn, Germany but came to Austria to study under Mozart at age 17 but had to leave before he could begin his tutoring only to return in 1792 (aged 21) to study under Haydn. He then stayed in Vienna until he died in 1827. In Vienna, you can visit places he lived, played concerts, and hung out. Though he moved about 70 times while in Vienna to different places in the city, he considered Austria his “Wahlheimat” (chosen homeland). And between you and me, Mozart’s Austrian citizenship is disputable because he was from Salzburg, which was actually the independent Archbishopric of Salzburg from his birth 1756 until his death in 1791. But I strongly advise you to keep this our little secret. No one has to know. What good would it do to bring it up?

 4)      Don’t confuse the Von Trapps with the Brady Bunch

Yes, you might go to Mondsee and do the Sound of Music tour. And if you are feeling romantic, book yourself a room in Villa Trapp if you can navigate the supposedly English version of the their website that only appears in German and has no prices. Austrians might love raindrops on roses, Edelweis and Schnitzel but they won’t break out in a round of Do-Re-Mi at the first sight of the Untersberg Mountain. Most Austrians will have never seen The Sound of Music nor will they know anything about it. So if the Alps inspire you, Climb Every Mountain till your heart’s content but don’t expect the Austrians to join you in harmony.

 5)      Do mention Vienna’s High Quality of Life

Vienna Museum of Natural History

Vienna Museum of Natural History

In 2014, for the fifth consecutive year (!), Vienna ranked the world’s number one most livable city. Yeap! Number one, not two, not three, not four! And Viennese are rather humble about this but will definitely appreciate your knowing it. http://www.cnbc.com/id/101423558. Perhaps it is a good little secret like the second district and Karmelitermarkt once used to be.

 6)      Do mention soccer and beloved Austrian player, David Alaba

“How about that soccer game.” He plays as defender for Bayern, Munich, and the Austrian national soccer team. His charming smile is bound to disarm you just like his attacking prowess does his opponents. He stars on billboards, in commercials and all over the place. The Austrians LOVE their Alaba. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Alaba And if you know Hans Krankl and Cordoba, then you are really good and the Austrians will soon be buying you the beers.

 7)      Do Know the Viennese Philharmonic Orchestra

Famous for a reason. The Austrians are understandably proud of their Viennese musicians. And in a place that has served as the breeding ground for centuries of musical talents, one would expect nothing less. Viennese audiences are notorious for their strict standards. Artistic pieces celebrated the world over often prove just good enough for the Viennese audience. And every New Year’s the Viennese Philharmonic Orchestra rings in the New Year to a sold out house at the Musikverein in Vienna. Brush up on your concert facts and impress your country hosts: https://www.wienerphilharmoniker.at/new-years-concert/history

 8)      Do know your coffee

Melange in Kleines Cafe, Vienna, Franziskanerplatz

Melange in Kleines Cafe, Vienna, Franziskanerplatz

This means do not even attempt to order a decaffeinated coffee in the world capital of coffeehouses. And should you eye a Starbucks, that is NOT a traditional Viennese coffeehouse. They have cool souvenir mugs and great chocolate chip cookies but are incomparable to the centuries old Viennese institution. Check out more on my blog post on Viennese coffeehouses.

 9)      Do smile at their Fipsis

Viennese love their dogs. Smile at their dog as you pass by and I guarantee the owner will smile back at you. Smile at the owner and the chance of a return smile reduces to about 50/50. Trust me on this. And if you want to engage Viennese in a conservation or meet the locals, try taking a dog for a walk. Come to think of it, maybe the city should offer rent-a-dogs to increase chance encounters between visitors and locals.

 10)   When you see someone you know, stop, say hello and shake hands

Austrians are more formal than a pass and greet though this is starting to ease up a little. So if you see someone you know, you actually walk up to them, shake their hand and greet them. Simply ducking your head or waving can be construed as rude. And if an Austrian greets in the breakfast room of a hotel or an elevator please do yourself a favor and greet them back loud and clear. They get annoyed when these friendly overtones are ignored. And rightly so. That being said, neighbors you can simply greet but be sure to actually do so. So remember, when you

Leopoldsberg - Vienna

Leopoldsberg – Vienna – the perfect place of a Sunday walk

get into an elevator at a smaller office or hotel, it is not uncommon to greet the others in the elevator and also say good-bye as you leave. The tricky part is knowing when to do so and when not. If you notice others doing it, then do it too. In the countryside, if at a small shop, greet when you go in and say good-bye as you leave. Always err on the side of politeness.

And if all else fails, invite them for a Grüner Vetliner (and be sure it’s Austrian – probably Wachau and a “young” wine).

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Krapfen – Getting Fat in Honor of Fat Tuesday

FASCHINGSKRAPFEN / FAT TUESDAY APRICOT JAM FILLED DONUTS

“The Viennese can depend on us (for high quality Krapfen]” – MA 59 – the Vienna magistrate guys patrolling for Krapfen capers

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Aida Krapfen

Aida Krapfen

Austrians take their Fasching Krapfen quite seriously. Currently the Viennese MA 59 is patrolling the Krapfen at the local markets as you read to make absolutely certain that Krapfen vendors adhere to strict Viennese standards and sell only Krapfen filled with apricot jam, which must make up at least 15% of the total Krapfen (no skimping Omi!)  and per kg of flour,  at least 6 egg yolks (get laying chickens) – you go get those Krapfen criminals, Vienna!

The consumer protection city council woman has been quoted in a press release saying, “The Viennese can depend on us [to ensure quality Krapfen].”

Don’t know about all of you, but I’ll sleep much better tonight, thanks to the grossly underappreciated MA 59.

Krapfen with apricot filling (at least 15%!)

Krapfen with apricot filling (at least 15%!)

I am sure somewhere along the line you’ve heard a tale about these baked goods.  Most likely the one concerning John F. Kennedy’s June 26, 1963 speech in front of the Berlin Schöneberg city hall when he declared ‘Today, in the free world, the proudest sentence is, “Ich bin ein Berliner”’ and how due to an errant indefinite article — an “ein/a” — he declared to the Germans and the rest of the free world that the President of the United States would not just stand by their side in times of hardship but that he was, in fact, a jelly doughnut.

Yeap. Jelly doughnuts. Gotta watch them. Especially this time of year shortly before Lent and around Fasching/Karneval/Fat Tuesday/Mardi Gras.

Like right now in Austria. When to celebrate Fasching, Austrians will be consuming ungodly amounts of the yeast dough jam filled calorie bombs.

Faschingskrapfen from (gasp!) Billa

Faschingskrapfen from (gasp!) Billa

I don’t believe the word “Fasching” translates into “The-weeks-before-Lent-when-you-put-on-the-pounds,” but maybe it should. Whoever called the day “Fat Tuesday” wasn’t far off the mark.

Aida Krapfen Poster

Aida Krapfen Poster

History of the Krapfen
Legend has it that the imperial cook, Cäcilie Krapfen, who people — no doubt lovingly — referred to as Frau Cilly (written with an “C” not an “S”, mind you) started the Viennese Krapfen tradition as we know it today.  That being said, Krapfen are no new kids on the block. References to them have been supposedly found in documents as old as 1486. Apparently as far back as ancient Rome, no toga party was complete without the jelly-filled dough bombs.

So where does the “Cilli-ness” come in?

Apparently Frau Cilly served up her Cilly Balls on the Viennese balls and in 1815, the year of the Vienna Congress, 10 million Cilly balls “Cillykugeln” were served at the various diplomatic events and festivities. In a famous literary work of the early 1800s, the satirical “Eipeldauer Letters“, which are fictive letters about a journey to Vienna during Fasching, the writer of the letters observes,  “And just in case I wanted to forget that we are still in the jolly Fasching season, the Krapfen would remind me once again. “Wenn ich’s aber auch vergessen wollt’, daß wir noch im lustigen Fasching sind, so würden mich schon d’Krapfen dran erinnern.”

Actually, now that I think about it, things could have been worse for Pres. Kennedy. He could have made his speech in Vienna and declared, “Ich bin ein Wiener” which would be either a Viennese veal cutlet or a Viennese hotdog. Jelly donuts seem far more preferable.

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Fancy Schmancy Aida Krapfen

Fancy Schmancy Aida Krapfen

READ MORE:

Wager, Christoph, Ich Koche Website, http://www.ichkoche.at/geschichte-des-krapfen-artikel-406,  accessed February 2014 (language, German).

Site (in German) with Photo instructions and recipe (scroll down to 23.01.2006, 21:03 entry) for making your very own Krapfen (gotta love it and your loved ones will definitely love you) http://www.sagen.at/forum/showthread.php?t=464 accessed February 2014, (language, German).

Read the MA 59 press release here: http://www.ots.at/presseaussendung/OTS_20140218_OTS0068/fasching-wiener-marktamt-kontrolliert-krapfen.

Here the Vienna city government website with contact info for the media and for all of you if you come across any Krapfen offenders: http://www.wien.gv.at/rk/msg/2014/02/18006.html

Krone Tips for delicious Krapfen (in German) Krone article on How Much You Have to Run to Work off a Krapfen

Presse tells you where to find your Krapfen: http://diepresse.com/home/leben/ausgehen/1563220/Krapfen – they recommend the following three places:
1 Konditorei Jindrak, Herrenstraße 22–24, 4020 Linz (in Linz?!) The Upper Austrians do like to say, “In Linz, beginnt’s” (Maybe the Presse author is Upper Austrian and therefore bias)
2. Café & Konditorei Groissböck, Zentrale Neilreichgasse 96-98, 1100 Vienna, Mon to Sat, 7.30 am –7 pm, Sun and holidays, 8 am – 7 pm
3 Kurkonditorei Oberlaa, u. a. Neuer Markt 16, 1010 Vienna, daily 8 am till 8 pm
I am certainly no MA 59 by any means but Billa, Anker and Aida seem to have pretty good Krapfen too.  May the Krapfen gods foregive my unknowing American taste buds if this statement be considered sacrilege for Krapfen connoisseurs.

 

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What Every Girl Must Learn: Advice for Balls and Sex

Masked Ball in Palace of High Nobility, 1740

Masked Ball in Palace of High Nobility, 1740

If my puddle jumper plane ever touched down on a green patch in the middle of nowhere and Mr. Roarke and Tattoo stood welcoming me with open arms and lifted glasses, I would request tea and crumpets with the well-versed etiquette author, Emily Post, and candid tip giver, never one to withhold her opinion, sex therapist, Dr. Ruth Westheimer .

Mr. Roarke may raise an eyebrow in concern but you won’t because admit it. You’re intrigued. Still reading. You’d come too if invited. Or beg to be a fly on the wall, if we were uncouth enough to allow flies to attend. Because you know it’d be an interesting afternoon. Particularly if the hour drew late and tea and crumpets turned to tequila and tapas.

Emily Post may look all prim and proper, but her seemingly innocent nuggets of advice for young debutantes attending a ball could have just as easily come from Dr. Ruth giving very different advice for different firsts.

But I paused, I admit. Like you’re doing now. Emily Post and Dr. Ruth? Really, KC? Really? Sure you’re not indulging in a bit too many schnaps while typing away at that blog of yours? Could the lady once considered the Mistress of American Manners exchange pleasant banter with the woman who the Wall Street Journal described as a “cross between Henry Kissinger and Minnie Mouse?”

Truly. I believe the two would have had a ball together!

Sorry. Not funny– squeezing the ball thing in there but you know what a mean. Both ladies gave men and women advice on how to act, and not act in order to have a good time and be successful at the venture at hand. Albeit, often very different ventures, but with a little tweaking here and there, the advice of one could have easily been advice by the other. And I’m sure Dr. Ruth would agree that a good time at one could lead to the other. (Although I think this might make Ms. Post choke a bit on her crumpet).

“There is one thing every girl … must learn—self-unconsciousness! The best advice might be to follow somewhat the precepts of mental science and make herself believe that a good time exists in her own mind. If she can become possessed with the idea that she is having a good time and look as though she were, the psychological effect is astonishing…”

I can see Dr. Ruth slapping down her tea cup in agreement. “Ms. Post, I’ve been saying the same exact things for years.” Then she might continue to talk about how she always says a woman has to take responsibility for own or—… well – suffice to say, she’s referring to her pinnacle of good time. So here we see how the two ladies are basically saying, it is up to the woman to make her own good time – in the ballroom and in the bedroom.

Add to that, Dr. Ruth’s, “When it comes to [the activity], the most important six inches are the ones between the ears.” Now with that, I think both ladies would agree full-heartedly.

Dr. Ruth continues her good advice, which I am sure Emily Post would second that, “Say to yourself, you know, I’m not going to be afraid of a little work, or a little challenge. I’m not going to take the easy way out.”

In a very similar strain, Ms. Post explains, “…for…success… especial talents are needed just as they are for art or sport or any other accomplishment,” and “do not drag through [the activity] as if you found [it] wearisome, it is an insult to your partner, but while you are cheerful and animated; be lady-like and dignified in your deportment.”

Dr. Ruth realizes that comparison is never a good thing and I think Emily Post would agree that such actions are not conducive to a good time for anyone.

Kaffeesiederball Vienna Palace

Kaffeesiederball Vienna Palace

So when engaging in the activity, “Don’t criticize…. Discuss constructively later” because “If you tell a partner about past [partners], he or she is automatically going to make comparisons with them. That’s not going to be helpful.”

As the old saying goes, it takes two to tango so Dr. Ruth advises and Ms. Post would not object that couples need to, “…be attuned to their partner, recognizing that he or she is sending a signal that should be respected.”

And Dr. Ruth would certainly not argue with Ms. Post’s 1922 words of wisdom that “. ..the old idea also has passed that measure a girl’s popular success by the number of trousered figures around her. It is quality, not quantity that counts.”

But I do worry a little, and it might explain Mr. Roarke’s initial show of concern that as the tequila drains, things could get a bit out of hand. Afterall, Roarke’s fantasies were not without peril and he always made it quite clear that he was powerless to stop a fantasy once it had begun. So the three of us are forced to play out our soirée to its conclusion.

So when Ms. Post sighs and explains that the “… gilded youth likes to [engage in the activity] when the impulse moves him; he also likes to be able to stay or leave when he pleases,” Dr. Ruth sees this as an open invitation to add her own two cents on the matter.

“Some things belong in the privacy of the bedroom,” Dr. Ruth will say. Ms. Post will be in the midst of a full on nod of agreement, when Dr. Ruth will add, “or living room or kitchen floor.”

How long will Ms. Post retain her perfectly balanced consummate grace? Particularly when Dr. Ruth starts talking about how the time has come for women to pay for young beautiful men (taxi dancers, anyone?) and asks, “Why should only rich men have young, beautiful women?”

But if I am any kind of judge of people based on their writing, tidbits like, some of the greatest belles ever known have been as stupid as sheep, but they have had happy dispositions and charming and un-self-conscious manners evidence Emily Post’s spunk. So when Dr. Ruth comes right out and claims, “Skiers make the best lovers because they don’t sit in front of a television like couch potatoes. They take a risk and they wiggle their behinds. They also meet new people on the ski lift.” I’m expecting Ms. Post, her words no longer so measured, might just answer, “But my good Dr. Ruth, you obviously never met a dancer. They not only wiggle their own behind but force you to wiggle yours as well.”

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Delve into further Reading:

Post, Emily. Etiquette; New York: Funk & Wagnalls, 1922. Print. – available online via the Gutenberg Project under: http://www.gutenberg.org/files/14314/14314-h/14314-h.htm

Dr. Ruth Interview in Esquire, January 2011 “meaning of Life” issue available online under http://www.esquire.com/features/what-ive-learned/meaning-of-life-2011/dr-ruth-quotes-0111

Dr. Ruth’s Website

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