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WAKE UP AND SMELL THE TEA AND CRUMPETS JEAN-CLAUDE, OR A MORE PERFECT UNION

When the final count was announced for the Brexit vote, perhaps none was more surprised than Britain itself. Except maybe Brussels.

But I was surprised too. Surprised by so much surprise. Especially after this weekend’s headline buried deep inside the paper. I guess if the news isn’t conducive to the current political agenda, it’s good to bury it. Who needs high blood pressure? Nevertheless the audacity of Jean-Claude (or is it Jean-Icarus?) Juncker so soon after Brexit is astounding. It truly is.

In case you missed it, basically the lost-touch-with-reality EU president stated that the EU would decide on Ceta, the very controversial trade agreement with Canada, without including the 27 remaining EU nations. The deal with Canada is largely considered to be the precursor to the TTIP deal with the US and Juncker’s true colors are suddenly showing. The man is threatening to simply barrel through a trade deal that will have major consequences for the environment, consumer safety and judicial processes for Europeans (and Canadians, and then Americans) without a democratic process that would allow the concerned citizens who will be most affected to weigh in. Seriously? Is there a large metal rock somewhere up in Brussels that thou hath been hiding under the past two weeks, Honorable Mr. Juncker?

But I’m not the only one indignant. Even the level-headed Germans were “riled up”. Though they aren’t worried about a very unpopular deal being made over the heads of their citizens, they are worried, according to Germany’s Economic Minister, Sigmar Gabriel, that such an “incredibly foolish” act could kill the even more unpopular agreement, TTIP with the US.

Holy smokes, Batman! Looks like we need a super hero to fly to Belgium and give these bureaucrats a good serious fire-poker pinch. They’re all living in a cave.

I’m not opposed to trade agreements, open borders or closer ties amongst nations. I’m all for it. But I am opposed to trade agreements drafted by lawyers of multinational enterprises under the guise of benefiting Jane, Dietrich and Jorge while taking away their rights and protections. Besides, I had always somehow been under the impression that public servants were put into office to serve the people. But if their mission is to serve the people, and deals like Ceta and TTIP do not serve the people, then no deal should be made. It’s not difficult. It’s not like the Austrian Math Matura. It’s easy in fact. And when bureaucrats from Brussels opt to pass dirty deals done dirt cheap nevertheless, it tends to really peeve people off. It tends to get them upset. It tends to make them lose faith about who or what they are serving. In fact, it gives the impression that the interests being served are as secretive and far removed as politicians helping multinational companies cut billions of dollars from tax bills. Deals kept under wraps until Mr. Ordinaryman with nothing to gain except renewed confidence in the fairness of the universe has the guts to reveal all in a leak – a LuxLeak, for example — and have himself rather than those scheming the system put on trial. In fact it kind makes the majority of us mere mortals have an idea of what the starving folks outside royal gates must feel like when they hear the words: “Let them eat cake” before they… Well… History, like Shakespeare and Greek mythology, has plenty of examples of what happens when a privileged few let hubris and greed get the best of them while overhearing the cries of the disenchanted people.

Days before the Brexit vote, none of my friends (some even from the UK) could fathom a future without Britain in the EU let alone the kind of person who could seriously consider Brexiting. But I could.

I am not anti-EU. I rallied behind Austria’s membership decades ago. As a college major in international relations while the EU was still in the infant stages of a EEC, I was a flag-waving EU supporter. I liked the idea of a borderless continent. I liked the idea of an ever-lasting inter-dependency that promotes peace. I liked the idea of folks from different nations getting along and cooperating to make life better for everyone. But as much as I absolutely love the idea of the EU, I hate seeing signs of cronyism. A lot has happened since my initial dreams for Europe. And I can relate to those who have become disillusioned with the brave new world a united Europe once promised.

But am I so disgruntled (or “batshit crazy”) that I think Britain is right to throw in the towel and hit the road? Definitely not.Disgruntled EU Flag

Britain, have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? Your hair is thinning, the royal luster is fading, and to be completely honest, as a good friend, I need to tell you that you’ve shrunk. Yep. Don’t take it wrong. You still got the odd sense of humor we all love, and Shakespeare will always be yours but you’re no longer the tough guy you used to be. So when Russia or China or – yes, even my homeland — come knocking and want to talk business, it can be quite an advantage to have 27 others by your side, showing a united front.

But you were so busy whining about all the Poles moving into the neighborhood, that you became deaf, and I’m sorry to say, blind. And dumb.

After reeling from the shock and the appeals, of “Dearest Britain, say it isn’t so,” and turning-lemons-into-the-lemonade hope that perhaps Northern Ireland and Scotland will finagle a way to stay, I, like the rest of Europe, sobered up to the reality that Britain has officially filed the divorce papers. While the passionate French demand that Britain pack its black pudding, get the hell on its way and don’t let the door smack it in the derrière on the way out, the cool-headed Germans keep urging everyone to, “Stay rational, bitte sehr!”

Long-term relationships are hard. They just are. They demand compromise and sacrifice. And somewhere along the line, you have to be convinced that the relationship is bringing more benefits than harms. Otherwise, it is indeed more healthy to probably call it quits.

But I see remnants of old border booths, hear students from all over a peaceful Europe congregate together in the metro, pay for my cappuccino in Italy with the same Euros I use to buy my Schnitzel in Vienna and I feel like the benefits of a European Union still outweigh the harms.

But statements like Juncker’s make hanging on to that belief hard at times. I have to wonder if his dream of a united Europe has any resemblance to mine.

In his book, The Prophet, Kahil Gibran describes the perfect union. He writes that a perfect union has spaces in the togetherness, and the winds of the heavens dance between the parts that are joined together not with a bond but rather a moving sea. The sides of the union fill each other’s cups without drinking from the same cup. Give each other bread without eating from the same loaf. Dance together but allow dances alone, stand together, yet not too near: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, he writes, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

What kind of union is the EU striving towards? Absolute oneness or something better? I think it is the lack of clarity and communication of this very basic goal that is causing so much trouble.

Brexit in the EU, Trump in the US, Hofer in Austria, these uprisings, upsets, overturns, and shock-waves are about a generation that believes its voice has been lost. I do not support these fear-mongering movements pouring kerosene on fiery frustrations. I read Juncker’s words and the frustration burns in my veins as well. But nothing in me is convinced that razing the current structures to build a wall, a fence or border-closed sign is the answer. No, I think we should call in the exterminator, chase out the vermin and take back the dream. Throw open windows, beckon in some fresh air and make it a home where the interests of the people, and not the cronies, are served.

Since life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday, dearest EU, learn from your mistakes and conscientiously determine what the Brexit legacy will be. Will the EU merely survive this crisis or turn it into an opportunity? And I don’t mean an opportunity for the cronies.

http://www.express.co.uk/news/world/685124/EU-Juncker-Germany-slashes-members-TTIP-Ceta

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luxembourg_Leaks

John Oliver, Tobacco, Free Trade Agreements and the case of Australia and Uruguay: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UsHHOCH4q8

John Oliver and Brexit (while there was still hope): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAgKHSNqxa8

John Oliver and Brexit (after): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nh0ac5HUpDU

For your reading pleasure the 1598 pages of the “Consolidated” CETA text. http://trade.ec.europa.eu/doclib/docs/2014/september/tradoc_152806.pdf

 

 

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VIEVINUM – VINE LOUSE FOR A DAY

I am not a wine connoisseur. I’m just not. I will admit though that when I once went to a wine social in the US and the “glasses” were plastic cups, I opted for the water instead but I am no wine snob. I like wine. I drink wine. I have no idea what officially makes a good wine, I just know when I drink it, that either enjoy it or I don’t. But my obvious lack of wine 101 hasn’t stopped me from attending VieVinum (http://www.vievinum.com/) in the Vienna Hofburg for the past three years. After all, I might not know a thing about wine, but I do know you don’t serve it in a plastic cup (unless you’re backpacking in the wild). And I happen to agree with the old Viennese song that maybe there’s a little vine louse in all of us.

Steiermark Chamber at the VieVinum in the Vienna Hofburg

Steiermark Wines Chamber at the VieVinum in the Vienna Hofburg

In Austria in the beginning of June  you can let that inner vine louse go wild when hundreds of wine growers come to the Vienna Hofburg to present their best drops of nectar for three glorious days. Your 40 € ticket gets you access to room after room of local and international wineries. Lady Luck shone upon me this year and I won two tickets so I got to spend the afternoon sipping wines on someone else’s tab (thank you, Metropole!).

You stopped processing at the 40 € ticket. Okay, 40 € may be a steep entrance fee price but this isn’t an Epcot Center make-it-look-real-and-pretend-you’re-there façade and doesn’t even cost you a fraction of the price. This is it. The real thing. A once-a-year event. You can spend an entire afternoon (heck, an entire day if you’re so inclined) meandering through the opulent chambers of the former emperor’s palace while nipping on unlimited wines served by growers in Lederhosen and Dirndls. And the ambiance’s completely chilled. Remember all the times you promised yourself you would work to live and not live to work? This is those times – the living, the memory-making. Go for it! And let’s face it, by the third grower, you will no longer be worrying about the steep ticket price, you’ll be looking to the next table, the next bottle, and the next smooth, chilled Veltliner.

Wine Trolley

No. I didn’t get drunk enough to buy this baby but it was tempting even before the first drink – imagine the hissy fit this would cause the US TSA and how eager those guys would be to confiscate it.

My top picks for the afternoon (besides that handy carry on featured on the left):

The surprise of the afternoon was a selection of three red wines from Württemberger Weinberg Werk (www.weinbergwerk.de) – I skipped the first bottle on display and went straight for the Meisterwerk, which was very good but Lebenswerk was even better. In fact, it was so good that all three Austrians who I was making my rounds with praised the smooth, tasty red wine – and for Austrians to freely praise Germans for their wine requires either that the Austrians are drunk (they weren’t, I swear) or for the wine to be that good (it was).

Next, of course, was the Steiermark room. All good Austrians go to the Steiermark for great wine (and wonderful thermal spas) but where to start? We stood in the middle of the grand room, glasses empty, eyeballing all the possibilities and that’s when – like Eve in the garden of paradise – I turned to see the snake wrapped around the bottle. And with a name like Hirschmugl (Domaene am Seggauberg, Seggauberg, Steiermark – http://www.hirschmugl-domaene.at/) how could a girl resist? I convinced a group that didn’t need too much convincing that maybe the snake was on to something. And we were not disappointed. We particularly enjoyed the Muscaris and Sauvignon Blanc. Don’t judge them by their website – I think they are so busy making great wines, they don’t have time to list all their wines. The Sauvignon Blanc smells so lovely – really such an amazing aroma that in an instant I knew what all the sniffing’s about at those stuffy wine events. And if you are interested in a good excuse to do an outing to the Steiermark (as if one needs an excuse), on Saturday, 11 June from 11 am – 6 pm in Leibnitz, Hischmugl will be opening their wine shop and offering a presentation of their 2015 wines.

Vesper, a Grüner Veltliner from the Hohenwarth winery Setzer (www.weingut-setzer.at) was also great. Just the name itself invokes images of labyrinthine, cobblestone lanes in European hamlets, and a lone, romantic table for two on a wine terrace overlooking the vineyards in the warmth of the setting afternoon sun. And at 6.60 € a bottle, you can start saving up for that Vespa to get you there.

Another wine I really liked was the 2011 Grand Cuvée from the winery Reichardt (www.weingut-reichardt.at) called Supreme. It definitely lives up to its name and at 11.50 € a bottle, you can take a bottle along when invited for dinner without looking like a cheapskate (unless you have very uppity friends who can’t appreciate a good bottle of 11.50 € wine which means you should probably decline the dinner invitation and drink it yourself while searching for a new set of friends).

One winery I actively sought out was Antinori (Tuscany, Italy, https://www.vinorama.at/Weingueter/Marchesi-Antinori-Firenze/) and I found the Dirndl-donning server in the Falstaff room. As a podcast junkie I could tell you a million tidbits about a million-and-one topics so when 60 Minutes’ beloved journalist, Morley Safer, passed away and they re-broadcast his favorite segment about an Italian wine (http://www.cbsnews.com/news/60-minutes-toasts-morley-safer/), my curiosity was piqued. This family has been in the wine-making business for 6 centuries(!) and now three sisters are at the forefront of the operations. The wines presented at the VieVinum were apparently newly acquired wines and they didn’t disappoint. Of course, the classic Chianti tasted like the rolling, green hills of Tuscany in a bottle but the one I thoroughly enjoyed as a perfect, light, summer wine was the Vivia, La Mortelle, 2015 (https://www.vinorama.at/Weine/Alle-Weine/Vivia-Maremma-Toscana-IGT-oxid.html). And an extra goody for those living in or visiting Vienna – the family also has an amazing Italian restaurant in the lane directly across from St. Stephan’s cathedral (http://www.cantinetta-antinori.com/en/vienna/cantinetta-antinori-di-vienna). When I dined there once, the food and atmosphere were so inviting, that I think our little group did like the Italians, lost track of time and ended up staying until closing (no slapping down the check with the after-dinner espresso in these places).

I may have missed some of the best wines at the VieVinum. But frankly, I don’t think so. I’ve noted the ones I enjoyed and I’ll be sure to somehow acquire some bottles for home (they all said to send them an email). And every time I drink a Sauvignon Blanc from Hischmugl or a Vivia from Antinori, I’ll remember our afternoon at the VieVinum and the wine will taste all the better for the memory – not just of a beautiful afternoon with good friends but of the wine makers and that twinkle they get when talking about their wines, the history, the barrels, the soil. You listen, swirl the wine in your glass, inhale the fine aroma, and no sooner have you savored the fine texture, and unique flavor, that you find yourself turning to the winemaker with a “Wow ! That’s great stuff.” Immediately you see it – for them this is more than a hobby, more than a product, a business, a way of life – it’s their Lebenswerk, and when done well, a Meisterwerk.

And a special treat for you – a Viennese classic to accompany your Achterl – Hans Moser singing about his former and future life as a grapevine louse.

I weiß ned was des is,
i trink so gern a Flascherl Wein.
Da muass goar ka bsondrer Anlass oda Sunntog sein…

I’m not sure what it is, I really like to drink a little bottle of wine, And it doesn’t even have to be  a Sunday or a special time… I must have been a vine louse in a former life… And when I die I want to be born again as a vine louse…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Word of the Week – Arschknapp – Butt Close

The word of the week comes from a statement made by an Austrian news reporter describing the head-to-head election results for Austria’s new president. Tarek Leitner of the Austrian public TV station, ORF, offered his professional, analytical take on the situation as “Arschknapp.”

And with the results standing at 50/50 on the evening after the election and a nation holding its breath and this time around – the whole world watching — while the over 800,000 absentee ballots that will decide the outcome are counted, Leitner’s political analysis seems Arschgenau.

Arsch: butt or arse
knapp: close or tight/narrow

News report and video with “Arschknapp” statement: Tarek Leitner sorgt mit „Arschknapp“-Sager für Lacher

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MAY – PARADES, MAY POLES AND THIEVES

Just gotta call it fate. I post the maypole article below a few days ago. Then just two days later, I am walking through the first district past a cozy little restaurant near the university and low and behold, what greets me — a stolen maypole. Some cheeky students snatched the maypole from the University of Natural Resources and Life Sciences of Vienna (Boku), transported it on the Bim (do maypoles need tickets, Herr Schaffner?) and erected it at that restaurant to hang out for a while and spread May good-cheer to the lawyers, politicians, tourists and students who pass the 1st district eatery on their way to their next appointment.  LOVE IT! (see featured photo at beginning of text). Rumor has it that the green-with-envy Technical University students have asked if the stunt qualifies their Boku brethren for extra credit points because everyone knows, “while the TU students are working their butts off for every point possible, the Boku students are racking them in with far easier tasks and twice the fun.” Well, TU students, if you’re good, maybe the Boku students who swiped the maypole will invite you to the Jause and beer that will no doubt be demanded as ransom.

In any case, I’ll keep my readers updated as the story progresses…

Original post about the maypole tradition:

While flag-waving workers and balloon-tied toddlers led by SPÖ politicians parading to the beat of marching bands through Vienna’s street culminate in a sea of red at the city’s Rathaus, another Austrian tradition takes places in what may appear to be tranquil town squares throughout the country. Perhaps it’s the chimes of the church bells or the gurgling of the square’s fountain that lure you into the belief that here is one place in the the world at least, where one can sip one’s Melange, admire the budding window boxes and enjoy the scent of freshly baked bread tempting you from the bakery next door.  No worries. The universe of this little town square is on its proper course.

But then you look up to admire the town’s symbol of pride. The pole that you noticed the townspeople raising the day before with music and fanfare, the tall, slender, wooden pole that towered above the highest house in town with the small pine tree attached to its tippy-top, it’s different now. There’s something missing. The tree! The tree is gone! And from the corner of your eye, you spot ’em. Two young men stealthily stuffing the last remaining pine branch into the back of their Opel before they speed off in the direction of the neighboring village.

maypole

maypole

Yes, in an annual attempt at one-upmanship, villages throughout this serene land of white windy winters that melt into spring, engage in a tradition of a more mischievous thing. They steal each other’s maypoles. And because the maypoles only rival the Gamsbart in their display of pride and masculinity, they are guarded round-the-clock. But some villages prove more clever than others. Upper Austrians, for example, have been quite crafty. In 2012 a group from Engerwitzdorf, a town outside of Linz with just 8000 inhabitants, managed in three nights to steal a total of twelve maypoles from neighboring villages. And afterwards they even had the audacity to cheekily  display their bounty along the highway.  In Lower Austria, another group of thieves chose an even more brazen place to display their prize — the lion’s enclosure of the Haag zoo.

But it’s all in good fun. And tradition doesn’t only stipulate the amount of days that the trees can be stolen (three after being raised) but also the means of return. The home village loads some kegs of beer onto a tractor and drives the ransom payment to the hostage-taking village in return for the “missing” tree.  Unless you are the mayor of Linz, in which case you may decide not to pay the beer because the tree went up 4 days before May 1 and was guarded 5 days, and then stolen 10 days after it went up. Whoever said math isn’t useful in the real world? And that sometimes it pays to turn a blind eye to numbers and stringent rules in the name of good fun.

Is stealing a Maypole Illegal: According to this gov. flyer if you keep to the tradition, it is rarely ever penalized: http://www.bmi.gv.at/cms/BMI_OeffentlicheSicherheit/2014/03_04/files/Brauchtum_und_Recht.pdf

Krone report about stolen maypole in Vienna and its subway adventure: http://www.krone.at/Oesterreich/Studenten_mit_gestohlenem_Maibaum_in_Bim_unterwegs-Spassaktion_in_Wien-Story-508471

 

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